Predictions for the Internet

AOL saves Netscape, but trashes Time/Warner. Following the expiration of the contract with Microsoft to use Internet Explorer as their default web browser, AOL surprises no one by switching to the company they own, and its ill-fated Netscape Communicator. Just one itty-bitty problem though. As irritated customers can't figure out the complex user interface, they jump ship like lemmings creating a free-fall for AOL stock shares. Time/Warner properties are abandoned in a fire-sale to recover lost revenue and CEO Steve Case joins a Tibetan monastery. MSN will become the new largest ISP.

Predictions for Personal Computing

Bill Gates will keep smiling. With Republicans in the White House (see below) and in control of both houses of Congress, the anti-trust case against Microsoft will be dropped as a matter of expediency. Freed from those shackles, Microsoft will begin charging $29.95 per copy of their market dominating web browser, Internet Explorer, and stop making updates. On other fronts, Iglasses will replace the cell phone as the largest cause of driving accidents, and virus hackers — sick of cutesy tangerine iMacs — will finally turn their attention to the Apple Macintosh computer. Wireless and WAP? Not this year, unless you want your online stock portfolio inadvertantly transferring to my aunt Judy in Cincinnati.

Predictions for the Entertainment Industry

Big changes on The West Wing. Buoyed by a government adrift in the real White House (see below), producers and writers of the Emmy award winning television series take it upon themselves to suggest national policy. After all, the liberal Hollywood elites can't tolerate the fact their guy sucks. However, with Martin Sheen (the actor portraying President Jed Bartlet) serving a jail term for his part in the October 2000 International Day of Protest at Vandenburg Air Force Base, Vice-President John Hoynes (played by Tim Matheson) must be sworn in as the new leader of the free world. In this topsy-turvy political year, it somehow seems appropriate having the guy from Animal House living in the White House.

Predictions for Politics

America will swear-in a president. Just maybe not who we expected. As the Gore/Bush battle continues to pad the resumés and bank accounts of the legal community, the little-known and unfamliar face of J. Dennis Hastert will assume the presidency by simple virtue of his post as Speaker of the House of Representatives. Proving once and for all that America got what it voted for (and what it deserves), this constitutional ascension to power will last less than a month, shorter than the whole post-election mess. Who's next you ask? Why Sore/Loserman.

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