November 25, 2000
Predictions for the Internet
AOL saves Netscape, but trashes
Time/Warner. Following the expiration of the contract with Microsoft to use
Internet Explorer as their default web browser, AOL surprises no one by switching
to the company they own, and its ill-fated Netscape Communicator. Just one
itty-bitty problem though. As irritated customers can't figure out the complex
user interface, they jump ship like lemmings creating a free-fall for AOL stock
shares. Time/Warner properties are abandoned in a fire-sale to
recover lost revenue and CEO Steve Case joins a Tibetan monastery. MSN will
become the new largest ISP.
Predictions for Personal Computing
Bill Gates will keep smiling.
With Republicans in the White House (see below) and in control of both
houses of Congress, the anti-trust case against Microsoft will be dropped as
a matter of expediency. Freed from those shackles, Microsoft
will begin charging $29.95 per copy of their market dominating web browser,
Internet Explorer, and stop making updates. On other fronts,
Iglasses will replace the cell phone as the
largest cause of driving accidents, and virus hackers sick of cutesy
tangerine iMacs will finally turn their attention to the Apple Macintosh
computer. Wireless and WAP? Not this year, unless you want your online stock
portfolio inadvertantly transferring to my aunt Judy in Cincinnati.
Predictions for the Entertainment Industry
Big changes on The West Wing.
Buoyed by a government adrift in the real White House (see below), producers and
writers of the Emmy award winning television series take it upon themselves to
suggest national policy. After all, the liberal Hollywood elites can't
tolerate the fact their guy sucks. However, with Martin Sheen (the actor portraying
President Jed Bartlet) serving a jail term for his part in the October 2000
International Day of Protest at Vandenburg Air Force Base, Vice-President John
Hoynes (played by Tim Matheson) must be sworn in as the new leader of the free
world. In this topsy-turvy political year, it somehow seems appropriate having the
guy from Animal House living in the White House.
Predictions for Politics
America will swear-in a president.
Just maybe not who we expected. As the Gore/Bush battle continues to pad the
resumés and bank accounts of the legal community, the little-known and
unfamliar face of J. Dennis Hastert will assume the presidency by simple virtue
of his post as Speaker of the House of Representatives. Proving once and for all
that America got what it voted for (and what it deserves), this constitutional
ascension to power will last less than a month, shorter than the whole
post-election mess. Who's next you ask? Why Sore/Loserman.
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