I think I noticed it when I was five or six. I
discovered it when I became intensely horrified that my best friend had ruined her
Barbie Doll just so she could get a newer, better one. Doll Murder! Ok, so it isn't up
there with a mortal sin, but for some reason it seemed to me a completely irresponsible
thing to do. That was the feeling. I felt shame at the imperfection of my friend, and
I remembered knowing that I would never want to do something so irresponsible.
Does perfectionism equal responsibilty? Perhaps not
for many people, but for me the struggle to withstand high levels of responsibilities
at all times is what truly is perfectionism. I feel responsible for being
a good student, making my family happy with my good work. I feel responsible for getting
excellent grades, but still being there for my friends.
With the desire for being responsible came a need to
be invincible. I feel if I show any lack of confidence or responsibility, I demonstrate
a level of incompetence and vincibility.
WE are imperfect. Note how even here I can not simply
say, I am imperfect. Ouch, the thought even tears me apart. And yet, yes, I am imperfect.
I have developed allergies. I have SAD. I have PMS. I have a weak body that is not even
close to being invincible. I am only 22. I haven't figured out my future at all.
When my parents told me I could be and do anything I
set my mind to, why didn't they tell me I couldn't be invincible, that I couldn't be
perfect? But I can be responsible with my imperfection.
per·fect (pûrfkt) adj. Abbr. perf.
re·spon·si·ble (r-spns-bl) adj.
in·vin·ci·ble (n-vns-bl) adj.
So really I have achieved perfection at being me,
responsibility for being me, and invincibility, because I am not overcome (yet).
Perhaps it is because I try to be perfect like others,
responsible for everyone, and invincible in all cases.
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